


One

by theprincesjester



Series: Lizards Are Pocket Crocodiles [1]
Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Other, i know i'm surprised i actually did anything on it too, i'll update the tags as things happen, this is the sitcom!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:21:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21931585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theprincesjester/pseuds/theprincesjester
Summary: Les Amis De L'ABC Sitcom, perhaps?A group of college students have met and ended up becoming friends.
Relationships: Combeferre & Courfeyrac & Enjolras (Les Misérables), Combeferre & Enjolras & Feuilly (Les Misérables), Courfeyrac & Marius Pontmercy, Enjolras & Feuilly (Les Misérables), Grantaire & Gavroche Thénardier, Grantaire & Joly & Bossuet Laigle & Musichetta, Grantaire & Éponine Thénardier, Joly/Bossuet Laigle/Musichetta
Series: Lizards Are Pocket Crocodiles [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1579399
Comments: 12
Kudos: 6





	1. The Lizard, A Pocket Crocodile

**Author's Note:**

> After an accident at Bossuet and Grantaire's apartment, Bossuet moves in with his partners, Musichetta and Joly, while Grantaire moves in with his friend, Eponine. 
> 
> Bossuet and Courfeyrac also meet a young man named Marius Pontmercy, who needs a place to stay. Courfeyrac extends an invitation to him, which Marius accepts, and Courfeyrac discovers that this newfound friend will be quite interesting. 
> 
> Grantaire and Bossuet impulse-buy a lizard.

Int., in the hallway outside Eponine’s apartment. 

The carpet is green with a red border, and the door to her apartment is open. We can just barely see her living room, which has a couple cardboard boxes inside of it. We also have view of the stairs, which lead down. 

EPONINE THERNARDIER, a girl of about 19 or 20, is carrying a box up the stairs. The box is labeled “R’S SHIT”, in messy but readable marker. 

Behind her, coming up the stairs, is GRANTAIRE, also about 20, wearing a dark green hoodie, hood up, with another box, labeled the same as the one she has. They both enter her apartment. 

Shift to only view the inside of her apartment, in her living room. 

EPONINE (looking behind herselt, at Grantaire) 

How many more boxes are there? 

Eponine sets the box down. 

GRANTAIRE

These should be the last ones, I think. 

Grantaire carries his box off camera. 

GRANTAIRE (offscreen) 

You said it was fine if I painted this room, right? 

Eponine (shaking her head) 

I don’t really care, but I don’t know that you can. 

GRANTAIRE (offscreen) 

Do you doubt my abilities? 

Grantaire walks back into view and sits on the couch. Eponine is in a chair that sits a bit off to the side of the couch. 

GRANTAIRE 

I’m more than capable of it. 

EPONINE

I know you are, I never said that you weren’t. 

A pause. 

GRANTAIRE

I think Joly, Bossuet, and Musichetta asked about coming over. 

EPONINE 

Yeah, that’s fine. 

Grantaire nods. 

GRANTAIRE

Thanks. 

They sit in silence. 

Cut to-- 

EXT., CAFE MUSAIN. DAY. 

BOSSUET LAIGLE is outside, leaning on the wall. He appears to be deep in thought. Cars are going past, as cars do. There is one particular one that is driving around the place as though it doesn’t know where to go. This catches Bossuet’s attention. 

A glance inside the car’s front window shows a piece of paper in the dashboard reading “MARIUS PONTMERCY”. The driver’s side window to the car is down. 

Bossuet straightens himself out and pushes off of the wall. 

BOSSUET LAIGLE 

Marius Pontmercy? 

The car stops. Inside is MARIUS PONTMERCY, a young man who also seemed to have been in thought until this moment. Marius looks up at Bossuet. 

MARIUS 

What? 

BOSSUET

You’re Marius Pontmercy? 

MARIUS 

I mean… yeah. 

BOSSUET 

I’ve been trying to find you. 

MARIUS 

What? What do you mean? (he pauses.) I don’t even know you? 

BOSSUET 

I don’t know you either. 

Marius frowns, not really feeling up to this type of conversation at the moment. 

BOSSUET 

You were at the law school, yesterday’s yesterday? 

MARIUS (a little confused by the use of “yesterday’s yesterday”) 

...it’s possible. (another pause) “Yesterday’s yesterday”? 

BOSSUET

I know you were. And yesterday’s yesterday, it’s the day before yesterday. 

MARIUS (nodding) 

I guess that makes sense. Are you a student? 

BOSSUET 

Yeah, I am, like you are. Yesterday’s yesterday, I dropped in at the school. You know, people have these whims… anyways. The professor was calling the role, or whatever, which is really tiring and gets a bit old. If you don’t answer after your name’s been called, what, three times? 

Marius nods, now interested. 

BOSSUET 

They’ll mark you off the list, which means you’ve wasted some money. I had Blondeau. You know how he is, he likes to find when people aren’t there. He started the roll-call at the letter “P”, which didn’t interest me much because, obviously, I didn’t need to pay much attention for it. And it was all going well, for a while, but then he called your name, and there was no answer. He repeated it again, looking a bit hopeful, really, and no one answered again, so he got ready to mark you absent. I felt bad for you, though, and may have said you were present, in your place, for you. 

MARIUS

Sir, I-- 

BOSSUET 

But I was counted absent. 

MARIUS

But… why? 

BOSSUET

Because I had said it when I was closer to the podium, and then I had tried to move to the door to try to get out. Unfortunately, he was staring at me, and he went back to L, which would be for me. My name is Lesgle. 

MARIUS

L’Aigle? Like the eagle? That’s neat! 

BOSSUET 

So Blondeau called that name and I, naturally, answered that I was there, but he was kind of a dick. He said that if I was me, then I couldn’t be you. Using that reasoning, he marked me off. 

MARIUS (mortified) 

Oh…

BOSSUET

He’s dead to me, now. Dickhead. 

MARIUS 

That’s… concerning. 

BOSSUET 

And you, young man, be on time, next time. 

MARIUS 

I’m really sorry. How can I repay you? 

BOSSUET 

Don’t let it happen again, you might put another person in danger. 

MARIUS 

I really am sorry-- 

BOSSUET (interrupting him and laughing) 

And honestly, I’m fucking great! I was almost in danger of having to become a lawyer and you saved me. I got kicked out, and it’s because of you. I’d like to thank you, if I can. Where do you live? I can send you like… a care package or something, my partners are really good at that kind of stuff! 

MARIUS 

Uh. I live in this car? 

BOSSUET (calmly) 

Ah, yes. The pinnacle of wealth. Congratulations; you’ve got a pretty damn good place to stay. 

Marius smiles sadly, and at that moment-- 

COURFEYRAC walks out of the cafe. 

MARIUS 

I’ve only had it for two hours, and honestly, I’d love to get rid of it. I just don’t have a place to stay. 

COURFEYRAC 

You can stay with me, if you want. 

BOSSUET 

I’d offer to let you stay with me, but I’m currently staying with my partners, I don’t have my own place to offer. 

COURFEYRAC (somewhat joking) 

Oh, shut up, Bossuet. 

MARIUS 

...Bossuet? I thought you said your name was Laigle. 

BOSSUET 

Well… yeah, it is. It’s a joke. My friends call me Bossuet. 

Courfeyrac and Marius get into the cab and wave goodbye to Bossuet. 

Switch to just Bossuet. 

BOSSUET 

I really don’t know how he didn’t realise I was fucking with him. Wait… (now a little concerned) was it not obvious enough? 

Bossuet begins to walk back home, walking away from the camera. 

Fade to black. Fade back in to Courfeyrac’s apartment, where Marius has already gotten moved in at. The two are already friends by this time. 

INT. COURFEYRAC’S APARTMENT, SOMETIME DURING THE DAY. 

Courfeyrac and Marius are going about their daily routines, easily navigating around each other, until Courfeyrac stops and stands in front of Marius, putting his hands on his shoulders. 

COURFEYRAC

I probably should’ve asked you this before, but what are your political views? 

MARIUS 

Uh… Yeah? 

COURFEYRAC

Cool. What are they? 

MARIUS 

I think Napoleon’s neat. 

  
  


Switch to see only Courfeyrac. 

COURFEYRAC 

Oh, God, this is going to be fun. This is going to be so fucking… oh my god. I can’t wait to have him meet everyone else. 

Go back to Marius and Courfeyrac, in the same position they were in before. Courfeyrac nods. 

COURFEYRAC 

Interesting. (pauses) Well, I’ll be gone for a bit, I have to go to my friends’. See you later? 

Marius nods. 

MARIUS 

Yeah. Bye. 

COURFEYRAC (smiling) 

Bye! 

Courfeyrac leaves. Fade back to Grantaire, Eponine, GAVROCHE, JOLY, Bossuet, and MUSICHETTA, who are all in Grantaire and Eponine’s shared apartment. 

Musichetta, Bossuet, and Joly are all on the couch, cuddled together. Grantaire is sitting cross-legged in a chair he’s pulled in from the dining room, Gavroche next to him, and Eponine is in the living room chair. They’re watching something on the television. 

JOLY 

Grantaire, don’t forget, therapy today. 

GRANTAIRE (rolling his eyes) 

Yeah, _ Dad _, I know. 

Switch to just Grantaire. 

GRANTAIRE 

He’s always reminding me to do stuff like that. Acts like he’s my fucking… dad or something. I’m surprised he hasn’t tried to adopt me yet or some shit. 

Go to just Joly, Bossuet, and Musichetta. 

JOLY

He’s our son. We’ve adopted him. 

BOSSUET 

See? (holds up a piece of paper that’s been written in gel pen and signed with crayons, Grantaire’s signature very obviously forged, written as a sloppy “R”) We have the documents right here. 

Musichetta and Joly nod in agreement, pointing and gesturing at the document. 

Go back to all of them in the living room. 

GRANTAIRE 

I’ll be fine, really. I can remember. I’m a big boy now. 

MUSICHETTA 

Okay, but to be fair… last time we let you “do it on your own”, you tricked Bahorel and Eponine into helping you skip. 

GRANTAIRE 

...okay, fair, I guess. 

Go to just Musichetta. 

MUSICHETTA 

He’s our son. A… sometimes very frustrating, self destructive gremlin son that needs to learn to take care of himself. (she pauses) Dear God, I say this like any of the rest of our friends are much better. Bossuet literally started fucking talking to someone who very well could’ve been a stranger not even a couple days ago. 

Go back to all of them. 

JOLY 

Do you need someone to drive you? 

GRANTAIRE 

Nah, I can go. What time is it, again? 

Eponine laughs. 

EPONINE 

So you can “do it yourself” but don’t even know what time it is? 

GRANTAIRE

...yes. 

GAVROCHE 

Leave ‘im alone. He just doesn’t wanna admit that he needs help, that’s it. 

GRANTAIRE

Yeah-- hey! 

Grantaire glares at Gavroche, who sticks out his tongue, and crosses his arms. 

JOLY 

It’s almost time to go. 

BOSSUET 

I can take you, if you want. 

MUSICHETTA AND JOLY 

NO! 

MUSICHETTA

You can accompany him, but please… don’t drive. I love you, but… 

JOLY 

We would much rather not have either of you in the hospital. Although if you were hospitalised, either Combeferre or I could-- 

GRANTAIRE 

Yeah, yeah, you don’t want us to die or whatever. 

MUSICHETTA 

It’s because we love you. 

EPONINE 

Death is illegal. You have to help with rent, remember? 

GAVROCHE 

And you still have to help me with… many things. 

GRANTAIRE (nods) 

Many, many things. 

Grantaire and Gavroche laugh, sharing an inside joke. Everyone else looks vaguely concerned about what the two may be planning. They don’t elaborate. 

Bossuet stands. 

BOSSUET 

Well, we should probably go. Grantaire, c’mon, we don’t want to be late. 

Grantaire sighs and stands, following Bossuet out the door. 

  
  


INT., inside a car, sometime in the evening. GRANTAIRE is driving, BOSSUET next to him. 

GRANTAIRE 

We could still skip. We could go get dinner or something. 

BOSSUET 

No, we can get dinner after. We’re almost there, R. 

GRANTAIRE

But consider-- 

BOSSUET 

No. And we’re here, so now it’s too late. It can’t be that bad, right? 

GRANTAIRE 

...no. Fine. 

The car is parked, and they both get out of it and go inside the building. 

INT., A new apartment. There’s plants, and four people--JEHAN PROUVAIRE, ENJOLRAS, COMBEFERRE, and FEUILLY--are inside of it, Enjolras, Combeferre, and Feuilly on the couch, hovered over a piece of paper, Jehan in a chair and able to see the paper, too. 

JEHAN 

Do… do you think that one’ll work? 

Enjolras and Combeferre nod. 

ENJOLRAS 

This looks good, thank you. 

Enjolras rereads whatever is on the paper. 

ENJOLRAS

It grabs attention, it should work, yeah. Thank you, Jehan. 

Jehan nods. Combeferre turns the page to show the one below it, which has a design. 

FEUILLY 

I’ve started working on some designs, this is the best I’ve come up with so far, I think. 

Combeferre nods. 

COMBEFERRE 

It looks good, thank you. 

A phone buzzes. 

JEHAN 

...uh. Did… how the fuck are we supposed to respond to this? 

COMBEFERRE 

What is it? 

Feuilly and Enjolras look at their phones. 

FEUILLY 

What I don’t get is why he’s asking permission from all of us, shouldn’t he just ask Bossuet? 

ENJOLRAS 

No, no, they had that… “Accident”, remember? He’s staying with Eponine. But honestly… are you really surprised he’d ask? 

COMBEFERRE 

(concerned) What the fuck is going on? 

Jehan shows him something on his phone. 

COMBEFERRE (reading the text from Grantaire) 

Would it be fine if we like… got a lizard? 

JEHAN 

Do you think he’s actually gonna do it? 

ENJOLRAS 

Knowing him… 

Cut to the pet store. 

INT., SOMETIME IN THE EVENING. PET STORE. GRANTAIRE and BOSSUET are looking at geckos, a tank, some bedding, a heat pad, food, and various other reptile care things already in the buggy they have. 

BOSSUET 

That one looks good. 

Grantaire nods and waves a worker over. 

GRANTAIRE 

That one, please. 

The worker gets the gecko out and places it in a bowl, which they then put the lid on, and hand it to Grantaire. 

GRANTAIRE 

Thank you. 

Bossuet and Grantaire go to the cash register to purchase all of their items, including the gecko. 

EXT., EVENING. OUTSIDE THE PET STORE. GRANTAIRE and BOSSUET are walking back to the car, Grantaire carrying the bowl with the gecko and a bag, Bossuet carrying two more bags. 

BOSSUET 

` What the hell are you gonna name it? 

GRANTAIRE 

No idea. Maybe… Mister Bastard, or something. 

Grantaire and Bossuet get back into the car, putting the bags in the backseat. Bossuet is now holding the bowl with the gecko. Grantaire is driving. 

BOSSUET 

I don’t think Joly would like that, but if you wanna do it, fuckin’ go for it. 

Grantaire laughs and nods. 

GRANTAIRE 

Might as well. 

INT., EPONINE’S APARTMENT. NIGHTTIME. GRANTAIRE and BOSSUET are carrying the bags and the bowl with the gecko. The living room is dark. 

Suddenly, a light turns on. EPONINE is sitting in the chair. 

EPONINE

Oh my fucking god. Part of me is very concerned and the other part… is very impressed. 

Another light turns on to show MUSICHETTA, JOLY, and JEHAN are on the couch. 

JEHAN 

You actually did it. 

GRANTAIRE 

Well, yeah, of course we did. Wouldn’t suggest it if I didn’t plan on going through with it. 

JOLY

You asked for permission. 

MUSICHETTA 

In the big group chat. 

GRANTAIRE 

That I did. 

JOLY

We said no! 

BOSSUET 

...he didn’t get that message. 

JEHAN 

How? We all got it-- 

GRANTAIRE 

I had my phone off. 

JOLY 

Oh my god. 

BOSSUET 

It’s true, he was trying to conserve battery life. 

MUSICHETTA 

Didn’t you get the message? 

GRANTAIRE 

Bossuet’s phone has been broken for a little bit now. 

Eponine sighs. 

EPONINE

So I guess we have a pet lizard, now? 

GRANTAIRE

Pocket crocodile, and yes. 

JEHAN 

Do they have a name yet? 

BOSSUET 

Grantaire’s been considering “Mister Bastard” 

EPONINE 

Mx. Bastard? Bastard Creature? 

GRANTAIRE 

The Entity. 

JOLY

You cannot-- What? 

MUSICHETTA

I think “The Entity” is probably the one I like best, just because it’ll sound like you’re talking about your pet demon every time you refer to them 

EPONINE

The Entity it is! 

Grantaire nods and goes to his room, Bossuet following. We follow both and watch as Grantaire sets up the tank, talking to THE ENTITY as he does so. Bossuet leaves, and Eponine is in his place. She takes a picture as Grantaire puts The Entity in their new habitat. 

EPONINE

That one’s for the group chat. 


	2. Napoleon Born-To-Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marius' first meeting. 
> 
> They start giving him the "initiation", which involves Grantaire standing on tables, Jehan playing their flute, and Bahorel threatening to strap him to the top of a car. 
> 
> We learn how Bahorel and Feuilly met.

**INT., The Cafe Musain. There’s a group of people--Les Amis De L’ABC, including Eponine and Marius. This is Marius’ first meeting. **

**MUSICHETTA** is at the counter, in her work uniform, going between serving people and listening in to the meeting. 

**JOLY and BOSSUET** are sitting closest to her, with  **GRANTAIRE, EPONINE, and GAVROCHE** at a table they’ve pulled over to sit with them. 

**COMBEFERRE** ,  **COURFEYRAC** , and  **ENJOLRAS** are all standing, a table in front of them with papers. 

**FEUILLY** ,  **BAHOREL** , and  **JEHAN** are all at a table that’s between both of the previously mentioned tables. It’s a strange setup, but it works. 

**MARIUS** is also standing, next to the last mentioned table. The entire group has been having a somewhat heated conversation about Napoleon. 

**GRANTAIRE **

Napoleon? You think Napoleon is so great? 

_ The entire company seems vaguely surprised to see Grantaire finally pipe in--him throwing in something was expected, but perhaps not like this.  _

**MARIUS **

I do look up to him, yes. 

**GRANTAIRE **

Do you even know about his greatest defeat? 

**MARIUS**

Waterloo? Yeah, I’ve-- 

**GRANTAIRE **

No. Not Waterloo. 

**EPONINE **

Oh, great.

**JEHAN **

Shh, let him tell it. 

**BAHOREL **

It’s practically part of the initiation. That, and… the secret part of the initiation that he can’t know about yet. 

**FEUILLY **

Bahorel,  _ no _ . 

**GRANTAIRE **

Marius, my child, it’s time you learned about Napoleon’s actual greatest defeat. Jehan, can you play me something? 

** _Jehan _ ** _ pulls their flute out of their pocket and plays a few trills before an arpeggio.  _

** _Grantaire_ ** _ stands on the table. _ Everyone is now watching him with interest. 

** _Eponine_ ** _ is sitting back in her chair, arms crossed, but still listening. _

**GRANTAIRE **

The year is 1807. Most agree our month is July. 

_Someone--_**_likely Bahorel_**_\--dims the lights._ **_Feuilly _**_throws _**_Grantaire _**_a flashlight of some sort. _

**GRANTAIRE **

Our main cast is Napoleon Born-to-Party himself, and Chief of Staff, Alexandre Berthier. 

** _Grantaire _ ** _ crouches to look Marius in the eyes.  _

**GRANTAIRE **

So, Mister Bonapartist, do you know what happened before July of 1907? 

**MARIUS **

Uh… 

**GRANTAIRE **

Ha! Hear that? Well, young flesh, I’ll tell you. He signed these treaties with Russia--the Treaties of Tilsit, ever heard of those? 

A few nod. 

**Marius ** looks, rightfully, a little scared. 

** _Grantaire_ ** _ stands. _

**GRANTAIRE **

So our guy--not actually our guy, mind you--Napoleon Born-to-Party (but don’t let the name fool you, he was kind of a bastard and not the person we want at our parties). 

_ A quiet laugh spreads through the group.  _

**JOLY**

Damn right. 

**BOSSUET (nudging him) **

Shhh 

Joly rolls his eyes and scoots closer to him. 

**GRANTAIRE (looking at Bossuet and Joly)**

Are we good over there? 

**BOSSUET **

Great. 

**GRANTAIRE **

Good. Where was I… 

**BAHOREL**

Napoleon Born-To-Party isn’t the person we want at our parties. 

**GRANTAIRE **

Yes, thank you. Alright. So this absolute dickbag wanted to celebrate signing these treaties, as one does, I guess, and for some reason his idea of a “good time” was hunting rabbits. So he went to this guy, Chief of Staff Alexandre Berthier, to arrange it. 

**FEUILLY **

I think you talked about him. 

**COURFEYRAC (nudging him) **

Shh, let him finish. Look at Marius. 

** _Marius _ ** _ looks, rightfully, scared.  _

**GRANTAIRE **

So this Berthier dude, he’s all like “Okay, yeah, I can plan a fucking luncheon and invite people and shit,” right? And he goes to some farmers or whatever, and he’s all like, “hey, this is what’s going on, I need some fucking rabbits, you got any?” and… Combeferre, can you…? 

**COMBEFERRE **

Do I have to? 

**COURFEYRAC**

I can do it. 

**ENJOLRAS AND COMBEFERRE (grabbing Courfeyrac) **

No. 

**GRANTAIRE **

Anyone? 

**BAHOREL **

Fine, I’ll do it. 

**GRANTAIRE **

Hell yeah, great. Okay, so this Berthier guy is all like, “hey, this is what’s going on, I need some fucking rabbits, you got any?” and the farmers… Bahorel

**BAHOREL**

They’re all like, “Hell yeah we do! Here, you can have ‘em,” 

**GRANTAIRE **

Thank you. And so they give him anywhere from a couple hundred to three thousand of these little fuckers. Either way, there were a shit ton of rabbits. Berthier and his men, they had this all set up in like… a grassy field or whatever, right? 

** _Marius _ ** _ nods _ . Someone help this boy. 

**ENJOLRAS**

I feel like we should probably be stopping this, but…

**COURFEYRAC**

It’s very amusing. 

**GRANTAIRE **

And these rabbits, they’re all along the edges of the field or whatever, and when Napoleon was ready to hunt them with his party, they were released. Now… who knows something about rabbits? 

**JEHAN**

They’re prey animals, so… typically, in an event like this, one would think that they would run away. 

** _Grantaire _ ** _ nods.  _

**GRANTAIRE **

Exactly. That’s what one would think, right? Well… not in this case. Maybe the rabbits were really used to people. Maybe they were hungry. I dunno. But whatever it was… instead of running away, they fucking booked it for Napoleon. They were out to get’im. And at first, the hunting party thought it was a little joke or something, they’re laughing and all that, having a good time. But as the rabbits keep going, they’re starting to get concerned, because there’s a fucking crowd of rabbits swarming napoleon, trying to climb up his jacket. Napoleon, of course, was trying to get them off, and his men are now trying to chase the rabbits off with sticks or whatever. But… you don’t want to be that guy that hits or accidentally shoots Napoleon, right? So they were really limited with what they could do. But they couldn’t really chase off the rabbits with just their sticks. 

**MARIUS **

I… is this-- 

**FEUILLY **

Shush. Listen. 

**GRANTAIRE **

So now Napoleon has decided to retreat, fleeing away to his carriage. Do you think that worked, Marius? 

**MARIUS **

I don’t know. Who the hell knows-- 

**MUSICHETTA AND EPONINE **

The entire group. 

**MUSICHETTA**

We all have it memorised. We can perform it at the drop of a hat. 

**MARIUS **

Wh-- 

**EPONINE**

Shut up and let him finish. 

**GRANTAIRE**

Thank you. Where was I, again? 

**EPONINE **

Napoleon is fleeing. 

**GRANTAIRE **

Right, thank you. So Napoleon Not-Really-Born-To-Party is retreating to his carriage. It doesn’t work. These rabbits are fucking after him, they’re going for it. They’re swarming him and his carriage. He’s said to have been flinging them off of him  _ (Grantaire acts like he’s trying to get rabbits off of his arms, letting them fling around) _ as he ran, and they’re still on the hunt. Supposedly, he was still flinging them out of the carriage as it drove off. 

**MARIUS (a little shaken) **

What… what the fuck…

** _Grantaire _ ** _ gets down and bows, then sits in his chair _ . The lights are on. 

** _Joly _ ** _ has somehow gotten into  _ ** _Bossuet’s_ ** _ lap and is now cuddling him.  _

** _Everyone _ ** _ else looks a little amused.  _

** _Courfeyrac _ ** _ is watching  _ ** _Marius _ ** _ with interest _ . 

**BAHOREL **

If he couldn’t handle that, then there’s no way he’ll make the rest of the initiation. 

**EPONINE**

Oh my God. Bahorel,  _ no _ . 

**BAHOREL **

Why not? 

**MUSICHETTA **

Because he could get seriously hurt?

**FEUILLY**

It’ll be  _ fine _ . We’ll stop him before it gets to be too bad. 

**COMBEFERRE**

No. 

The group is now just hanging around the cafe. 

** _Joly and Bossuet_ ** _ have gone to the counter to talk with  _ ** _Musichetta_ ** _ .  _

** _Grantaire and Gavroche_ ** _ are in the corner with  _ ** _Eponine_ ** _ ,  _ ** _having _ ** _ their own conversation,  _ ** _Grantaire _ ** _ occasionally looking up at Enjolras.  _

** _Enjolras _ ** _ is talking with  _ ** _Courfeyrac, Combeferre, and Feuilly_ ** _ .  _

** _Marius _ ** _ is sitting there  _ _ awkwardly _ _ .  _

** _Bahorel _ ** _ approaches him.  _

**BAHOREL **

Hey. 

** _Marius _ ** _ looks up at him.  _

**MARIUS **

Hi? 

An awkward pause. 

**MARIUS **

Okay, so… I know you all probably hate me-- 

** _Grantaire _ ** _ walks up, slinging an arm around  _ ** _Bahorel_ ** _ .  _

**GRANTAIRE **

We don’t hate you. Bahorel, drink? 

** _Grantaire _ ** _ offers a cup to  _ ** _Bahorel_ ** _ , which he accepts.  _ ** _Grantaire _ ** _ walks back to where he was before.  _

**BAHOREL **

Don’t take the whole Bonaparte performance personally. We’ve all gotten it. It’s practically part of the initiation into the friend group. 

**MARIUS **

Wh-- 

** _Feuilly _ ** _ walks up to the duo.  _

**FEUILLY **

It’s usually the initiation. There have been… exceptions before. 

**MARIUS **

Wh…? 

**BAHOREL **

Oh, God. That’s… a story, for sure. 

**FEUILLY **

It’s how we met, actually. Wanna hear it? 

**MARIUS **

Why not? 

Cut to: 

**INT., a bathroom. It’s about 3 pm. **

** _Feuilly _ ** _ is washing his hands at the sink. Suddenly, there’s a faint sound in the background, getting louder as time passes.  _

**FEUILLY **

What the fuck? Is that… music…? 

_ Suddenly,  _ ** _Bahorel _ ** _ kicks the door open, a giant boombox or speaker in his hands, blasting Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You”, singing along with it as loudly as possible.  _

**FEUILLY**

IT’S NOVEMBER FIRST, WHAT THE FUCK? 

** _Bahorel _ ** _ pauses the music. _

**BAHOREL**

I’m Bahorel, nice to meet you. 

**FEUILLY **

...Feuilly? 

** _Bahorel _ ** _ starts to blast the music again.  _

Cut back to the Cafe Musain, where  **Feuilly ** and  **Bahorel ** are talking with  **Marius** . 

**MARIUS **

...okay. Maybe just the Napoleon thing wasn’t too bad? 

**BAHOREL **

Oh, Marius. That’s not all we’ve got planned for your initiation. 


End file.
